It was one of those grocery shopping trips.

Just me and the baby. He sat contently, spreading gooey sunshine via teething smiles through the store.  Chatting away in a language that resembles Vietnamese. Strangers tilted their heads and smiled and I just knew they were thinking, “Now THAT is the cutest darn kid in the world!”.

I was strutting my stuff, full of pride over my nutritious selections that filled my cart. Whole-grain goldfish instead of those “regular” ones. Gogurts that I still pass off as popsicles to my 5 year old. Lucky Charms that are “NOW with more fiber!”.

Then it happened. Like Christmas in July I spotted those fluffy, pure white goodies. All snug in that bag looking so comfy and delicious. Hostess powdered mini donuts. I toss a pack in the cart. One from the back of the display. Because those are fresher. And I’m all about fresh. I eye the big bag that is on sale…oh no no no. That would be glutinous.

I finish and load up the conveyor belt. The checker asks every-so-politely if I’d like that little pack of pleasure for my purse.

Um.

NO.

Because THAT would imply that I intend to scarf these down the instant I leave this store.  And someone with my obvious nutritional values would never do such a thing.

Instead I take note of which bag he just put them in. With the bananas. Good call sir.

Out the door we go, just me and my cherub, full of anticipation.

At the car I unload and, like a ninja, slip those donuts into my purse without any passersby noticing.

Because I DO intend to devour those  perfect, soft dinghies of delightfulness right here in my car. Why? Because I have 2 children at home that I need to hide these from. The baby in the back? He’s young and still distracted by shiny things that make lots of noise.

So he plays with some fake keys while I sit ever so carefully eating the powdered goodness, listening to Richard Blade on the New Wave station, and remembering a time when I could consume an entire box of these bad boys and never worry about what my behind would look like the next morning.

Yeah, it was a good grocery shopping trip.

It’s been so long….so very long…

But I’m back! Aren’t you so happy?!

I don’t have any clever excuses. I had to take a break from the blogging world.  And I’m coming back a little lighter!

Ha ha ha…..ha……ha….

Get it? You did notice the chance of scenery, right?!

I’m trying to simplify, and that includes this bloggy baby of mine.  I gave her a little “mommy makeover” for her first birthday and I think she looks FABULOUS! A little nip here, a tuck there, and she’s all shiny and pretty!

But enough about her, let’s talk about me. The biggest news in this mommy’s house is that both Cheek and Deet will be home schooled this school year. The decision was not made lightly. I mean, this will seriously impact my timeouts! And I know what you’re thinking…”Whaaaat? Home school? Does this mean they’ve moved out to the prairie and they’re churning their own butter and shearing sheep?!”

Yes. That’s exactly what it means. Except, not really.

Both kids are enrolled in charter schools, two different ones, but that’s a long story. It seems that home schooling your kids is growing in popularity and there are actual WAIT LISTS to get into charter schools. Cheek will have most of her schooling at home while taking some outside classes, and Deet will have two full days of school on site at a learning center while learning math and language arts at home. I mean, as much math and language arts as a Kindergarten kiddo can learn. But that’s the beauty of it! They will both learn at their own pace, which (not to toot my kids’ horns) is pretty accelerated.  Come to think of it, Deet may just be the next Doogie Howser! Cheek has decided that she wants to fulfill some of her writing standards by penning her own blog. She came up with the name of it on her own and I must say I’m pretty proud of her. Trying on Homeschool will be her take on this new experience and it should make for some interesting reading!

I’m also looking forward to blogging about this next year. I’m sure it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows so I’m going to need to vent. Aren’t you excited?!

So that’s it, Timeout 4 Mommy is making a comeback with a face lift (but a cute one, not a Joan Rivers one) and I’m THRILLED! I missed you!

A couple of months ago I read a hilarious blog post by one of my favorite bloggers about uninvited people knocking on your door.  Hippo Brigade makes me LOL so you should check out this post.  It’s all about looking through the peep hole of your door whilst refusing to answer it because some dumb sales person has interrupted your 100th game of Bejeweled Blitz and you’re pissed….or something along those lines.

I am a notorious non-door-answerer. If I didn’t invite you over I am hard pressed to find a reason to answer the door for you. And even if I DID invite you over, I will still look through the peep hole. The only strangers I open the door for are Mr. USPS, Mr. UPS, and Miss FedEx…and that’s because they equate to Santa Claus for me, bringing me fun packages to open up. If you are not a delivery person, you are out of luck. We have two big open windows that face out to the street and I will go so far as to drop to the ground and, all stealth like, army crawl across the floor, to the door, to check the peep hole. No joke.

So yesterday the knocking begins around noon-ish.  It’s SUNDAY people! I get up from my marathon Facebook session, tip toe to the door, and check the peep hole. I fully expected some well dressed folks with religious paraphernalia or some joker who wants to sell magazines and tries to confuse you with points and trips and crap.  But no, it was worse. Girl Scouts. Little tiny ones slinging cookies.

Let me preface this by saying my Cheek was a Girl Scout up until this year. So I feel I have the right to complain about them because I’ve experienced cookie selling season MANY times.

My biggest complaint? The timing.  It sucks.  On what planet does it seem like a good idea to sell very fattening cookies right after the new year? I mean, people have just decided to lose weight, get fit, and all of that well-meaning garbage!  They haven’t even made it through their first 30 days and these midgets are knocking on their doors trying to tempt them! It’s the devil’s work I tell you! If the Scouts were smart they would be selling around November 1st when everyone has resigned themselves to the fact that the holidays have arrived and they are going to gain 10 pounds so, yes please, give me 10 boxes of Samoas because Samoas and Somoan wrestler seem like a good fit and that’s the look I’m going for! I’ll just buy a muumuu for the Christmas party I’m attending.

So back to the peep hole. I look through it and then look down (as I said, they were tiny), and I see these giggly little girls with perfectly combed hair in their cute little uniforms. I turn around to my husband and do some crazy hand signals that are supposed to say “shh, be quiet, there are tiny people out there and they’re going to get us with their boxes of baked goods!”. Then we whisper to each other.

Me: “Girl Scouts” Jers: “Cookies?” Me: “Yep” Jers: “Damn it” Me: “I know!”.

Recheck the peep hole. They’re gone. That was a close one.

I know it seems rude to not answer the door but I just hate telling them no. I mean, I will literally roll up to the grocery store, see them manning (or girling) one of the entrances and purposely park near the other one so I don’t have to walk by them! I don’t know why. I think I secretly fear they are giving me the finger when my back is turned.

So an hour or so goes by and another knock! Are you serious!!! Another set of them! So Jers says “I’ll handle this.”. And all macho like he walks to the door, opens it, and bold face lies to these innocent little girls.

“Are you selling cookies? Yeah, sorry, but we already bought some from our niece, good luck!” and shuts the door.

We have one niece and she aint selling no cookies.

So which is worse? Rudely ignoring them while staring at them through the peep hole or lying straight to their pudgy little faces? Because honesty is just not an option here.

I’m pretty sure God hates us right now.

Today I was reminded of how wonderful, and necessary, it is to have “mommy” friends.  And more importantly, mommy friends who are on the same wavelength as me.  Mommies who think we should all wear signs that read, “Welcome to Mommyhood!  It sucks here, it’s hard, you will forever question yourself, but we love it anyway!”.

That’s why I’ve redefined MILF – Moms I’d Like to Friend.

Moms that think they have it all together and that their children are perfect are not invited to this party.

Here’s who is:

Mom’s who aren’t afraid to admit they’ve wanted to throw their child across the room.  Note I say “wanted”.

Moms who are not afraid to cry in front of other moms.  This can be out of fear, pride, or sheer frustration.  Tears are welcome, whatever the reason.  In fact, if you start to cry you better believe I’m crying with you.

Moms who make fun of themselves for crying.

Moms who make fun of their kids.  Not in a mean, taunting sort of way.  But in a way that says…yeah, my kid’s a dork too, here’s why.

Moms who are proud of their kids.  Whether it’s for taking their first steps, writing their name, academics, sports, or just making it through the teenage years alive.

Moms who are proud of themselves.  Let’s face it, we should be patting ourselves on the back at the end of every day…especially if your kid/s made it through the teenage years alive.

Moms who support other moms.  From a very young age girls are not very nice to each other.  As adults with children (especially if they’re girls) it is your job to model better behavior.

Moms who admit that they need a break, or what I like to call a timeout.  Saying you don’t need time away from it all, even for just 10 minutes is a big, fat, lie.  You may leave now.

Moms who ask for help.  I defy you to find a mom that doesn’t need help or advice at least once in their life.  There is a wealth of knowledge out there.  There is always someone else who has been there, done that, and lived to tell about it.  Tap in to this mommy-knowledge.  Listen, young Jedi, because chances are if it doesn’t help you now it will some day.

Moms who celebrate being moms.  Even in the darkest times with your kids you should be able to find something to celebrate.  Because, at the end of the day, it is those mini celebrations that help us to press on.  The celebration is even better if it’s accompanied by some wine….but that’s just me.

If this all sounds familiar…if you were going down the list saying “check, check, yep, that’s a check too” then you’re my kind of MILF.  Welcome to the party.  I can’t promise it will be fun all of the time, but I can promise you’ll have lots of other MILFs to get you through when it’s not.

Usually people wait until New Year’s Eve to reflect on their year, but typically I’ve had too much champagne to reflect on anything.  So I use Thanksgiving as the time to look back over the year and remember what I have to be thankful for.  So while I was enjoying my very hot and luxurious timeout tonight (a bath kids, get your mind out of the gutter!) I came up with my Top 10 Things I’m Thankful For list.

1.  My husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  We still talk and laugh together every day.

2.  We have 3 beautiful children (inside and out).

3.  I gave birth without complications to a healthy (and hefty) baby boy.  He is now the center of gravity for our entire family.

4.  I can count on my two hands how many times the 5 of us have collectively been sick this entire year.

5.  My parents and Jers’ parents are alive and healthy.

6.  I have a brand new nephew, another one arriving any minute, and another one (from my sister-from-another-mister) arriving in February.  How sweet is that?!

7.  Even though there have been times (yes plural) over this past year when our bank account has been in the red, God has never forsaken us.  He has always made sure we’ve had a roof over our head, food to eat, and each other.  Our daily bread.

8.  I have amazing friends.  Some are tried and true and others are brand new.  I adore these women.  Each one of them is amazing and I learn so much from them.  I am truly blessed to have such beautiful women in my life and I thank God for them every night.

9.  I get to stay home with my “babies” every day and witness their awesomeness first hand.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

10.  This blog.  I know it sounds weird but it has lit a little fire in me.  I just wrote my first sponsored post (means I actually got paid to write!) and I am blown away.  Since I was little I have always wanted to write; poetry, short stories, books.  But I always just figured it would have to wait until my kids were older.  This blog has opened up new opportunities for me and I am so excited!  I have one of those amazing friends (#8) for pushing me to start it (you know who you are!) and to her I say a great big “THANKS!”

So there’s my Top 10 Things I’m Thankful For list.  I would love for you to leave a comment below telling me what YOU are thankful for!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!